


A December Evening

by bearcubz



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Get Together, It’s pretty damn fluffy, M/M, POV Sirius Black, Trans Male Character, Trans Remus Lupin, a LOT of pining Sirius, and I’m bad at summaries, its my first fic soooo... be nice :), pub night w the lads, v soft and warm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-10 00:19:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12899961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearcubz/pseuds/bearcubz
Summary: Sirius thinks Remus is really very handsome, and that he deserves the best. Really, he’s only trying to make Remus happy.





	A December Evening

The Sleeping Lion is quite full at this time of night, at the stage when most of the people are tipsy, and yet no one is drunk. The pub is one often frequented by Sirius' group of friends, because they all live near enough, the drinks are nice, and it's decently atmospheric. Sirius has to agree, the place certainly feels cosy what with the lighting and the decor, but Sirius would have agreed if the place resembled the Slytherin dungeons. Even now, after 10 years of knowing them, he wouldn't do anything to risk losing his friends.

Seemingly golden light bulbs float near the ceiling. People sit in booths of all sizes, buzzing and chatting, all excited for the night ahead. Pools of lights cover each table, letting the customers bask in the warmth and the light and the glory of a December evening.

A large Christmas tree is standing near the doorway, and although it’s trivial and unimportant, Sirius appreciates that the pub has found a real tree, instead of the tacky plastic ones. Sirius watches the tree, watches the people entering, leaving or standing and chatting near it. People watching has always been one of his favourite pastimes, especially when the people are his friends, whom he loves very dearly, because he can see them laugh and be happy and then he is happy too. His favourite person to watch, of course, is always Remus. Sirius has long ago given up on pretending he doesn’t like to look at Remus, doesn’t notice every tiny thing about him because he’s always there, quietly admiring Remus’ calming presence. 

At that moment, when Sirius’ thoughts drift to him as he finds they always do, Remus walks in. Sirius saw him only an hour ago, because they live together, but that doesn’t mean he finds him any less handsome as he did the first time he saw him, when he stumbled into the first carriage on the Hogwarts Express and met a scared eleven-year-old. Of course, Remus does not look anything like that nervous boy anymore, because now his jaw is sharper and his shoulders are broader, but he still carries the same presence that makes Sirius very certain. Certain that, if it came to it, Sirius would die to protect that man. 

He watches Remus enter, looking shy as he always does, even though Sirius thinks that he’s much too kind and beautiful to be self conscious. Remus ducks his head as he enters. Not for the first time, Sirius notices how tall Remus actually is. He admires how he can still be so elegant while being so lanky. Sirius figures it is because Remus is a man who knows his own body well, after being born in the wrong one and being cursed to inhabit a much darker one every month. Of course, Sirius loves Remus in any body, but his favourite is the right one, the strong young man he can see standing in the doorway, because that body makes Remus the happiest. 

As Sirius watches, Remus scans the room, grinning openly when he spots Sirius at the bar. He walks over, and Sirius allows himself a brief second more to admire how the golden light hits Remus’ curls, before he has to pretend once again that his love for Remus is the same as his love for James. 

Remus speaks, and his voice is as deep and smooth as Sirius remembers it to be,  
“Hullo, Pads.”  
“Evening, Moons.” Sirius nods.  
“Are the others...?” He gestured vaguely towards the back room. Sirius takes a sip of his pint before speaking again.  
“Yeah, they’re back there. But, before you go through, help me carry these drinks? I got you a butterbeer.”  
“Sure thing.” Remus picks up four of the glasses and turns away, and Sirius smiles privately, enjoying the Welsh lilt to Remus’ voice, before following with the remaining drinks. 

They arrive at the booth, where James, Lily, Marlene, Emmeline and Peter sit, making pointless conversation and basking in the joy of each others’ company. Remus receives a chorus of loud greetings as he sits down, to which he grins sheepishly and then sips his beer in an attempt to hide it. Sirius’ stomach twists in a familiar way at Remus’ smile and he allows himself a moment more to look, before turning towards the group. Lily sends him a knowing glance, for his affections are obvious to everyone except Remus himself. Sirius ignores her and tunes in to Peter telling some story about James trying to woo Lily, which they all know already, but indulge in nevertheless, and the evening begins.

* * * * *

The next few hours pass in a hazy blur of laughter and conversation. Sirius pays more attention to his friends than most people realise, so he notices when Emmeline looks over at Remus slightly more than the others, and when her face lights up when Remus laughs at her joke. Sirius tells himself not to be disappointed, for he doesn’t have a right to be, and really Remus deserves a kind-hearted, beautiful woman like Emmeline. Sirius wouldn’t dream of getting in the way of Remus’ happiness, despite how difficult it may be. However, there’s only so many times he can watch Emmeline glance at Remus before he has to excuse himself to the bar, to refill his drink. 

Sirius sits at one of the bar stools, watching the people in the pub. He sees a couple laughing and speaking in between attempts at kisses that don’t work, for they are both smiling too much. Sirius wishes he could have that. He sees a family dinner, two parents, a girl, and a boy, who are maybe nine or twelve. They look content, smiling freely and speaking to each other loudly, narrating their days or their weeks or their younger years. Sirius wishes he could have had that, when he was a child. He is okay with that now though, since it was long ago and now he has the best family he ever could have wished for. He sees a man, sitting alone at the bar. He doesn’t look sad, but he doesn’t look happy, either. He has just ordered another drink, after finishing the previous one. Sirius hopes that he doesn’t become that. Then, he sees Emmeline. She is approaching him at the bar, so he puts on a polite smile and nods amicably.  
  
“Hey, Em. You look lovely tonight.” He says  
“Thank you,” Emmeline replies, and adds “I was just going to get another gin and tonic.” She orders her drink, and Sirius reads the labels on the bottles behind the bar, for lack of something else to do. Eventually, Emmeline breaks the silence with a question that reveals her true intent, coming to speak to Sirius.  
“So, Remus, is he...?” Sirius holds back a wince and forces a smirk. He wonders with resent if this urge to keep up appearances stems from his mother. He hopes not.  
“Yes, he’s single, if that’s what you’re asking. And a really great guy. You guys would be good together.” Emmeline smiles a little at this, but Sirius thinks she should be much more pleased at knowing she has a chance with Remus, the kindest and most handsome man Sirius knows.  
“Thank you, Sirius. I- I’m going back to the table now, but, thanks.” Emmeline says, getting out of her seat. Sirius grabs her arm quickly, because he knows that he can’t take anymore of this evening or he will surely break down.  
“Yes?”  
Sirius says, “Could you tell the others I’m heading home early? I’m not feeling too well.”  
“Oh, are you sure you don’t want to come and say goodbye?” Sirius isn’t sure if he should feel guilty for enjoying how concerned she looks.  
“No, I think I’ll go now. I’m really quite tired. Tell them I’m sorry?”  
“Okay, Sirius. Get better soon.” She says, and kisses him on the cheek. Sirius takes a long drink from his beer. He knows that he was never going to be with Remus, that any hope he still holds on to is entirely irrational, but it still hurts. It feels as though he’s confirmed, finally, that his dreams are unachievable. Any wish he once had is gone, and it hurts more than it did when Walburga confused him and Regulus when he was twelve. He gulps the last quarter of his pint, pays his bill, and leaves. 

On the bus home Sirius watches the people, but finds none of the people are almost as intriguing as Remus.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading.... i know this is angst but don’t worry!! chap. 2 is gonna be fluffy as a cloud. comments and kudos are very appreciated ( ◠‿◠ )


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